Being Dependent

Forgetting what lies behind and reaching ahead.

Sometimes I just need to be able to do that. To forget about the past and go on with God, even though there have been stains, scars, and mistakes.

There was something special about the time when I first came to Bible college. Somehow, I let go of all that I was carrying and trusted God to make me into who He wanted me to be. I think it’s because I was so acutely aware of how un-pastorly I felt… That I couldn’t do it, so God was going to have to make me into someone who He could use in ministry. I let go of the pressure to be something I wasn’t and let God steer me, to mold me.

God has definitely shaped me over the past two years. I see now more than ever the changes that He has made in me. However, I can’t start thinking that I can now do it on my own just because I’ve learned a few things from God and school. I need to hear His voice every day, to lean on Him when both I can and when I can’t. Without God as my GPS, I will drift. It’s a human nature thing.

When I was a kid, I really didn’t want to learn to ride my bike without training wheels. I kept them on as long as possible, and in fact I had my dad put them back on when I didn’t learn right away. Eventually I succeeded, but I before I did I feared the fact that I would one day have to ride my bike without any support or help.

Maybe it’s okay to be acutely aware of my need for God. When I finally learned to ride my bike, my dad gave me a final push, let go, and I went. There was a point when I could finally do it by myself.  When we’re kids, we’re supposed to grow up. Slowly we become more capable, and finally we get to be independent in the world. But I think it’s different with God. God helps us grow, but He never lets us go. God isn’t going to just give me a push into ministry (ie. Bible college) and then let me do it on my own. My entire ministry, whatever that may look like (whether it’s an actual position at a church or a lifestyle), has to be leaning on God at all times. I should be worried if it’s doesn’t, because works of the flesh are exactly what we want to avoid. I’m a puddle, and God is a well. If I’m not leaning on His strength, I don’t really have much to give.

So there will never be a point when I am ready to take on ministry without God. Ministry becomes part of the life that we live with God. We branch out and give what we receive from Him. That doesn’t mean we don’t have to work hard; I think it just means that He will always be there, and we won’t ever have to work alone. I know now that God will never stop molding me, and my job is just to follow Him and be obedient to where He takes me. It also means that my mistakes don’t make me or break me, or rend me incapable of doing something helpful that brings Jesus to the world. Just because I’m imperfect doesn’t mean I’m unusable, and I have to lean on God and His strength in order for that to happen.  In other words, I’m not so good that I can do it on my own, and I’m not so bad that He can’t work through me.

So I’m never going to ride my bike alone… I’ll always have God to look to for support. In that way, being dependent isn’t such a bad thing.

Emily